Unscripted No. 25

BATMAN VS. CHILD WELFARE SERVICES
FADE IN:
INT. THE BAT-CAVE -- NIGHT
*Big, open space, the classic setup: Bat-computer, over half a dozen glass cases with old costumes in them. The Bat-mobile launch pad.*
*BATMAN, in classic cape-and-cowl, grim, pale, with 3-day stubble, sits at the computer typing away. Walking past the various cases is LARRY, a bespectacled almost well-dressed fellow with a clip board, he cautiously approaches Batman.*
LARRY: Um, Batman?
*Batman does not even turn.*
BATMAN: I'm Batman.
LARRY: Yeah, um, I'm Larry with Child Welfare Services. You've adopted quite a few kids over the years and the Justice League would like to make sure you're doing a good job with them. Is that alright?
BATMAN: ...Go ahead.
*Larry makes a note on his clipboard. *
EXT. BACK-ALLEY -- NIGHT
*Larry stands next to NIGHTWING, a twenty-something crime fighter with an acrobatic build. Larry has a pencil taking notes on his clipboard.*
NIGHTWING: I was the first kid Batman adopted. First Robin too.
LARRY: How many Robin's have their been?
NIGHTWING: Four. Each one has been fired at one point or another.
LARRY: 'Fired'?
NIGHTWING: Yeah. Batman holds everyone up to this standard that's impossibly high. One screw-up and you're gone. That's what happen to most of them. That or they died.
LARRY: Died?!
NIGHTWING: Eh, like death ever sticks these days.
*A random THUG sneaks up on Nightwing with a knife, Larry points but Nightwing casually back-fists the THUG, one-hit K.O.*
NIGHTWING: I got fired, but didn't want to stop being a hero. Made the Nightwing costume and kept it up. Eventually, he said I re-earned his trust and let me back in.
*Nightwing folds his arms and looks away.*
NIGHTWING: But I don't need his approval anymore. I'm my own person.
*Larry writes something down*
LARRY: I see. May I ask about the allegations about the various Robins and...
*Nightwing lets out a sigh*
NIGHTWING: Listen. Batman wouldn't know sex if it threw itself on his lap. And it has. Multiple times.
MONTAGE:
CATWOMAN, TALIA AL GHUL, POISON IVY, a few unnamed SOCIALITES and then WONDER WOMAN all draped over Batman in a sexually suggestive ways.
END MONTAGE.
NIGHTWING: There's something wrong with a guy who can ignore Wonder Woman as well as my fine ass...It's just not human.
*Nightwing turns and grabs his butt. Larry stands hypnotized by it*
INT. COMPUTER LAB -- DAY
*Larry sits at a computer terminal where the screen is dominated by an image of the ORACLE, a green woman's face with electrical conduits down her hair*
LARRY: So, You're the Oracle.
*Oracle's voice is completely electronically generated.*
ORACLE: And the original Batgirl.
LARRY: Care to describe your relationship with Bruce.
ORACLE: Bastard got me paralyzed. That's all you need to know.
*The computer clicks off.*
EXT. BACK-ALLEY -- NIGHT
*A slightly different back alley, this time, the RED HOOD, 18, strongly built and in a red hooded mask and brown leather jacket, stands in front of Larry, whose a little nervous.*
RED HOOD: Yeah, I was the second Robin.
LARRY: Were you, um, fired?
RED HOOD: Nah. I left. Well, I did leave, but not before the Joker beat me with a crowbar and blew me up.
LARRY: And you survived that?
RED HOOD: Oh, no, I died.
*Larry looks puzzled*
LARRY: Then why--
RED HOOD: (sighs) Superboy Prime punched time, creating ripples in reality and bringing me back to life in his mad attempts to set reality straight.
*Larry drops his pencil*
LARRY: You're kidding.
RED HOOD: I wish I was.
LARRY: So why did you leave.
RED HOOD: Because the Joker is not only still alive, but also still constantly escaping from Arkham! What the hell! He kills me and Batman just goes about business as usual!? So to make up for his errors, I don't let criminals get away that easily.
LARRY: Um, all criminals?
RED HOOD: Nah, just the big psycho types. (beat) Usually.
*The Thug tries to sneak up on Red Hood to throttle him. Red Hood doesn't even turn around, but he effortlessly stabs the thug in the face with a CRUEL DAGGER. The thug drops dead. *
EXT. GOTHAM ROOFTOP -- NIGHT
*ROBIN, 17, Stand dynamically on the rooftop as Larry struggles to keep his sheets on the clipboard.*
ROBIN: You wanted to see me.
LARRY: Yeah. Now-- (wind blows again) --As I understand it, you're the third Robin, right.
ROBIN: Yes.
LARRY: But I was informed there were four.
ROBIN: That's...that's another issue entirely.
LARRY: Alright then, tell me about your relationship with Batman.
ROBIN: I became Robin because Batman needed one to ground himself. Since then, I've lost a lot of people--including both my parents. Batman's adopted me since then.
LARRY: Both your parents?
ROBIN: Yeah. But I manage.
LARRY: So what have you been up to?
ROBIN: Trying to get back into the dating scene since my last girlfriend was tortured to death by Black Mask.
LARRY: Tortured to death?
ROBIN: Yeah. I seem to have bad luck with girls only after I date them.
LARRY: How so?
ROBIN: My first girlfriend disappeared from continuity and another died and was resurrected as a supervillain.
*Larry gulps*
LARRY: And your current prospects?
ROBIN: One leads the League of Assassins, another has been...Very forceful in her advances.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY -- NIGHT
*Robin enters his room (with an emblazoned "R" on it) and closes the door behind him. A THUMP and TUMBLE are heard*
ROBIN (O.S.): Rose! What are you doing in my room?
ROSE (O.S.): I'm trying to undo your utility belt.
ROBIN (O.S.): Why are you naked?!
ROSE (O.S.): Because it's not as much fun with your clothes ON.
EXT. GOTHAM ROOFTOP -- THE PREVIOUS SCENE
*Larry stares dumb founded*
ROBIN: But I've also got a normal girl from school that I've started to date. She seems nice enough.
*Larry wipes the sweat from his brow*
LARRY: You...You mentioned hobbies? What sort of hobbies do you have?
ROBIN: Well, for the past year I've been trying to clone by dead best friend.
*Robin rubs the back of his head*
ROBIN: After the last failure, his girlfriend found out and...things got heated and we...kissed. (beat) That's not cheating, is it?
*Larry stares and lets the wind blow away some of his notes*
EXT. ANOTHER BACK-ALLEY -- NIGHT
*BATGIRL, 18, lithe and in a costume that covers every inch of her body, sits in a BEACH CHAIR across from Larry, also in a BEACH CHAIR*
BATGIRL: Dude, you don't even want to know.
LARRY: I'm required by the state to ask.
BATGIRL: Alright, after I get back from a journey to find my birth mother, I come home to find my home town bombed to hell and Batman has taken his 'boys' on a world-traveling adventure. Leaving me high and dry.
LARRY: Then what happened?
BATGIRL: Drugs happened.
LARRY: You turned to drugs?
BATGIRL: No, that ass-hole Slade drugged me.
CUT TO:
EXT. CIT STREET -- DAY
*Batgirl is peacefully walking the street when a DART strikes her in the neck*
BATGIRL: Ow! What the?
BATGIRL (V.O.): Then I... really don't know what happened.
*Batgirl SPINS around the screen as the background becomes psychedelic, images of Batgirl leading NINJA ARMIES, fighting Robin and doing a Mexican Hat Dance pass her by*
EXT. ANOTHER BACK-ALLEY -- MOMENTS LATER
*The previous scene*
BATGIRL: When I woke up, I found myself heading the League of Assassins, having betrayed everything I once believed in, and now, suddenly, I can not only speak perfect English, but I also know Navajo Code! I have no idea how I went from being a near mute dyslexic to being a Navajo Code talker in less than a year. No matter how I put it together it just doesn't make sense!
LARRY: Must have been some powerful drugs.
BATGIRL: Either that or Superboy Prime punched my time line.
*She puts her face in her hands and shakes her head*
BATGIRL: God I hope it's the drugs.
EXT. GRAVEYARD -- NIGHT
*Inside a PENTAGRAM encircled by CANDLES a steam of smoke rises up. The pentagram sits on a grave that reads "Stephanie Brown". Larry stands back as the smoke Coalesces into SPOILER, 16 in a Eggplant-colored hood and cloak with a black mask.*
LARRY: Uh...Spoiler, formerly the fourth Robin?
SPOILER: Yeah. That's me. Now why'd ya wake me up?
LARRY: Can you, um...can you tell me what your relationship with Batman was like?
SPOILER: Batman's a dick. There's really no other way to put it. He's a giant dick. I hero-ed about town for a while, and he's all 'you can't do that, you don't have the training' and then refuses to train me! Even when he made me Robin, I got maybe a day's worth of training before he fired me for not being up to snuff.
LARRY: So, um, how did you die?
SPOILER: Well, after he fired me, I wanted to regain his trust like Nightwing did. So, after hacking into his computer, I found a plan that could destroy the major crime bosses in Gotham. I put it forward...and then things went to hell. Got tortured by Black Mask and died.
*As she says Tortured, she removes her mask, revealing hundreds of scars and other tissue damage. Larry cringes at the sight*
SPOILER: Pardon me if I skip the details.
LARRY: ...Er, hold on a minute. You hacked into Batman's computer?
SPOILER: Yeah. It was surprisingly easy.
LARRY: Have you ever hacked a computer before.
SPOILER: Well, no. Come to think of it, the files were just kind of 'there' on the desk-top...and...wait a minute, that son of a bitch set me up! Oh, I am SO going to haunt his ass for this!
*Spoiler disappears in a burst of flames*
INT. THE BAT-CAVE -- LATER
*Batman's still at the computer typing away, a glass of MILK is next to him. Larry returns*
BATMAN: So what did you find?
*Larry takes a deep breath*
LARRY: Batman, after thorough consideration, it is my decision that as a foster-parent--
*Batman LOOKS at Larry*
LARRY: --That you've been doing a fantastic job of taking care of obviously disturbed young men and women. Are you sure we can't convince you to take any more troublemakers?
BATMAN: I'm handling about as many as I can these days, what with finding out I have a bastard child running around these days. Thank you for the vote of confidence.
LARRY: Just one?
BATMAN: Yeah, surprised me as well.
LARRY: Well, best of luck to you.
*Larry leaves*
*Batman reaches for the milk and drinks, but his face sours and he turns away*
BATMAN: ...My milk has been spoiled.
SPOILER (O.S.): HAHAHAHAHA!
FADE OUT